Madden 2004: 1HN Cheesy Skill Levels

Here is a link to an article I wrote a few years ago about Madden 2004 on the PC:

A Treatise on Madden, Madness, and Cheesy Skill Levels

In short, though Madden 2004 is manageable at the Rookie level and a lot of fun, it becomes inordinately hard the higher you set the difficulty: you can't throw across the middle or run anywhere but UP the middle, and linebackers suddenly develop awesome hands for interceptions. This game was a far cry from the fare to which I was accustomed from my Genesis days. That said, Madden 2004 had much to offer and is playable on Windows XP or Windows Vista without a hitch.

Anyway, if you can get it cheap, I'd recommend it, but for nothing more than $5 or so.

Dial-up Access: 1HN kbps Purgatory

Let's set the way-back machine to the 1980s. Remember the movie Wargames, starring a young Matthew Broderick as a teenager who inadvertently hacks into an American defense system computer called WOPR (or "Joshua" for reasons explained in the movie) and is then caught up in a game of Cat and Mouse with the military? If you saw that movie, you had to feel bad for Ally Sheedy's character because she gets dragged into the whole affair by Broderick's character, but inexplicably falls for him. Have you ever read Wild at Heart by John Eldridge? That would give insights as to why she falls for him... Anyway, one of the intriguing observations one may make about Wargames was the modem; it was one of those lock-on models that required the user to place the phone receiver over the modem itself before the computer dialed up an access number. Ah, modern technology...

Now, as many of you are aware, I am a huge homer for retrotechnology. Obviously, I love old video games, especially from the time of the early Sega-Nintendo console wars. Also, I like VHS... Honestly, I like those old videotapes. And, I certainly like old TV shows, classic music, black and white movies, Transformers made out of metal (at least partly), and other such relics from what is slowly becoming a rosier and rosier past. Yet, there are some things that I do NOT look back on with much fondness; one of those things was dial-up access to the Internet.

Okay, let's take a deep breath and say the following together:

Dial-up modem

Feeling a little queasy? Let's try it again:

Dial-up modem

(Now, I feel queasy)

As far as I know, the 1980s wasn't the true start to distance connections between computers, but I do know that dial-up access would continue well into the 1990s and even the 2000s. For me, I only experienced dial-up as an observer for much of the 80s and 90s as friends dialed into bulletin boards, and later America On-Line, Compuserve, and other such Internet Service Providers (ISP) at 300 baud. In 1998, I owned my first very own Windows PC (an AMD K6-2 system that ran at 300 MHz of raw power); before that time, I used to use an old Intel 8088 XT PC at my parents' house. After I had purchased that AMD-driven PC, I really became interested in PC building and customization, and my friends Wilson, Ray, and Julian were, as well. Wilson and Ray used to talk about T1 lines, marveling at the possibility of being free from dial-up purgatory.

Dial-up... I used to log in to Bruin On-Line (even though I had already graduated, I had access through my friend Ray, who worked at UCLA) and wait for that crackling digital tone signaling a successful connection. Then, I used to initiate Windows Update (I think Windows 98 had this...) and wait for hours as the most recent service pack was downloaded. Sometimes, I would stay online all night until the download was complete. I remember downloading files from the Internet and having to use third-party programs like Net Vampire to resume downloads if the connection was broken somehow or if one experienced a Blue Screen of Death (BSOD) during download. I also remember the frustration of bottlenecking that occurred when downloading a popular file (like a game demo) and having to contend with bitrates of less than 1 kbps. Didn't it bother anyone else that even though your modem was advertised as 56 kbps, you never get even half that?!

(Taking a deep breath...)

Man, when I look back at the train wreck that was dial-up, I have to be fair and say that it was all we knew back then. Unless you had a grand or two to get a T1 line installed at your house or apartment, all that we could do was use our "56 kbps" modem (internal or external? I always went internal), pay some ISP a crazy rate, and then tie up our land lines for hours on end. Thankfully, I was first exposed to the wonders of Asynchronous Digital Subscriber Line (now DSL) in 2001 in Japan, as well as to download speeds that were a bit more humane. Now, I have DSL service that downloads at 3 Mbps. Okay, that's slow compared to what's out there now, but I pay a flat rate for it each month and I'm happy.

Remember when we had to pay ISPs per hour? Don't get me started!

FIFA 06: 1HN PC Soccer at Its Best

Over four years ago, I wrote a review about FIFA 06 for the PC:

FIFA 06 is Awesome Beyond Description

Okay, this game is not so "retro," but it is an "old" game that has been greatly surpassed graphically and gameplay-wise by its successors. It is also a sports game for PC, which is becoming an increasingly rare breed.

To summarize, it was (and still is) the best football (er, soccer) simulation I have ever played. It's a fine balance of arcade action and team management. Plus, there are so many user-created patches and downloads that you can configure the game as you wish. Some patches are pro-quality: for example, I am still using a Korean patch I downloaded four years ago with uniform and roster updates. The in-game action is intense and involved with ten buttons, two analog sticks, and a D-pad needed to squeeze the most potential out of each player and play. This kind of controller is the norm today, but in 2005 for a retrogamer like me it was a crazy concept to comprehend.

Unfortunately, time has not been kind to FIFA 06 for the PC, particularly if you have upgraded to Windows Vista or Windows 7, or if you have upgraded your circa-2004 video card for a snazzy new one because the newer operating systems and graphics cards do not fully support FIFA 06. But, if you are still rocking an AMD Athlon processor and Windows XP (i.e. a "retro" PC), then this game works extremely well. If you can get this game for cheap on eBay, I heavily suggest it.

PC Retrogaming: The Microsoft Sidewinder

Below is a link to an article I wrote a few years ago about the Microsoft Sidewinder, which is, in my opinion, the finest, most balanced gamepad ever made for use on a PC:

In Honor of a Great Gamepad

Sadly, two developments have rendered this gamepad largely obsolete: it uses the old gameport jack that has been replaced by USB; and, it does not have the analog sticks are so prevalent on current gamepads.

So, I'm giving you a retro review about a retro PC gamepad -- you can't ask for more than that!